I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
