After last night, I could never be a politician.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The adults are the big ones right?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
