He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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