I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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