if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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