You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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