My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
