there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
