Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
