found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize