If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
