On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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