i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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