Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
