I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
