Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
