I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
