My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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