i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize