if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
