I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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