he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
