before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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