i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
