Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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