There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
