MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
please come you make the beer taste better
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
