and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
