Already got asked if we're dating
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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