i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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