Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
