you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
