a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
