I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
