Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
