I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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