This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
