I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
