I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
