census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
