my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
