You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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