I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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