im drinking this country out of the recession.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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