also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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