Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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