I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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