Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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