Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
