She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
