sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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