tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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