lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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