Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
