how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
