Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
