You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
