I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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