If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
