She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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