walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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